2012: elections, zip wires and misogyny


This year saw the world gripped by a campaign to remove a man from power. This man just happens to be black and responsible for the deaths of thousands of civilians. A supposed grassroots movement continued in the US to press for his removal along with support from celebrities and some of the wealthiest people in the world. And thankfully Obama got four more years anyway. Oh what, did you think I was talking about Kony? FUCK KONY. KONY MEANT FUCK-ALL.

But wait, I put up posters and followed Tumblrs and wrote letters to politicians with better things to do… surely that helped in, um, some third world place… er… Africa? (How many of you Kony morons remember the country you were “helping”?). NO, NO, NO. If you thought Kony would have any positive outcome apart from discovering that you CAN wank yourself to near death (sorry “exhaustion”), go back to school, or stay in school and read more. If you were over 16 and took it seriously… well shit. The people who took it seriously and sincerely believed that by watching a youtube video and sharing on social media were accomplishing something are a disgrace. At least the Occupy movement left their rooms. Didn’t achieve anything of course but hey, at least you tried. Kinda.

Rant over, back to stuff that matters; “President Romney”. Doesn’t sound right when said out loud, does it? Rich old white guys lost the election and for that we should be thankful. President Obama may not have shut Guantanamo down and I wouldn’t attend a wedding in Yemen, Afghanistan or Pakistan (and maybe the southern Philippines) any time soon because your wedding’s about to appear on liveleak as you sort of look suspicious when viewed through grainy footage by some guy in California who pilots the UAV. That being said, Obama was still the best candidate on offer. Yeah. Don’t worry though, Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize what seems like a billion years ago so everything’s okay and Romney didn’t want to be President anyway. USA!

Europe’s still mired in austerity. Berlusconi’s attempting a comeback to avoid prison (although it would be a rich person’s prison so don’t be too concerned), no one’s left the euro although Greece seems to not even care anymore and the UK pretended that the Olympics and the Queen’s Jubilee made up for the failed policies of the Tory/LibDem Coalition. That photo of Boris stuck on the zip wire in Victoria Park was hilarious though wasn’t it? Not so hilarious – homelessness increased in London alone by over 25%. GO TEAM GB.

What about Australia? Abbott was called a misogynist. GET OUT! REALLY?! Next thing you’ll be saying Sydney has a harbour. No news there apart from the fact it was said by Gillard publicly. Did it need to be said? Well it showed Gillard has a backbone outside of backroom negotiations and also was a handy distraction from an uncomfortable line of questioning that the Murdoch press has been selling. However it would not have made her more popular with those who are not already voting ALP. Why? Because not everyone watches Q & A or 7:30, The Project’s about as good as it gets. These people don’t get into twitter arguments over Tony Jones’ bias. Saying that, both Gillard and Abbott continue to poll terribly whilst any mention of Rudd or Turnbull has the public swooning. The only problem being that the Liberals know they can go to an election with Abbott and still win whereas the ALP has, in its own charming vernacular, “rat-fucked” itself.

Prime Minister Abbott… let that roll around your mouth and off your tongue. Caress it gently, maybe give it a playful bite. Try not to gag. Then let this thought sink in; a Federal election must be held by the 30th of November. Barring a miracle, sometime this year the bespeedoed one will be in the Lodge and representing Australia around the world. Happy New Year!



Words by Jonjon.