Shirley you can’t be serious?


Bobby Townsend puts his seat in an upright position and stows his tray table:

Next week, I’m spending 27 hours on a plane from Sydney to the UK. I know some people hate flying, but have no problem with it at all. Even though I’m too tall to get comfy enough to sleep on planes, I don’t mind because essentially it is an excuse to sit down for a prolonged period of time watching one film after another while being kept constantly stocked up on food and booze. The only bummer is that I always, always seem to be in the vicinity of a crying baby or a child determined to share his snotty cold with me. Thanks, kid.

I also always seem to somehow end up with a stopover that is neither long enough to book a hotel for a sleep, nor short enough to just do a wee and then jump back on the plane. Six hours in Kuala Lumpur? Ah well, I can easily pass the time surfing the net, inevitably ending up playing online bingo and then buying stuff I don’t need in the duty free shops with my winnings. Hello, massive Toblerone.

Anyhoo, my upcoming flight is a good excuse to come up with a top five list of airplane-related movies because, well, everyone loves a Top Five, right? You’ll notice I have avoided the likes of Alive and United 93 because, brilliant as they are, they’re not the kinda thing you wanna watch before stepping into one of those big metal birds, you know?

5. Top Gun

Starring Tom Cruise before he went all weirdy, this cheesy ‘80s bromance was the bomb.

4. Con Air

Nicolas Cage at his ludicrous best in this ridiculous action romp in which the baddie is called Cyrus “The Virus”. Awesome.

3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Steve Martin and John Candy in a classic Thanksgiving comedy.

2. Snakes on a Plane

I mean, it’s rubbish. We all know that, right? But at the same time it’s motherflippin’ BRILLIANT.

1. Airplane. 

One of the funniest films ever and so layered that you can watch it over and over and see new gags each time.

Words by Bobby Townsend