How to share a hostel room & not be an idiot
Travelling blesses us with some of the most poignant highs of our lives, but with those blissful new horizons come some pretty grizzly doses of reality. Usually in the form of shared accommodation. With triple-decker bunk-beds, inhumane snoring, surprise body fluids and gratuitous nudity all commonplace, hostel rooms are not for the faint-hearted. Here are some tips to help maintain your sanity:
1. Do not turn off any form of air flow when its 35 degrees inside and 47 out. Hangovers are not best suffocated with heat.
2. Don’t be the naked guy. Nobody wants to see your balls melted onto the wall when they get up for free crepes.
3. Mind your social cues. Talking is not always appropriate. Generally when someone is sleeping/showering/vomiting or has ear phones wedged into their ears, it’s safe to say they are not open to a game of Goon of Fortune.
4. What’s mine is not yours. Don’t use somebody else’s towel to wipe up beer/piss or failed DIY mojitos.
5. You are not being quiet when you enter the room at 2am, drunk, saying SHHHHHHHHHHHHH really loudly. Or even worse, SHHHHHHHHHHH hahahahaha SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
6. Leaving on an early bus tomorrow? Pack your bag BEFORE you commence drinking! Rustling plastic bags at 5am as you scramble to stuff your bag shut is a sound that can only be described as satanic.
7. Turning on the lights anytime after midnight is inconsiderate. Nobody cares if you need to make a sandwich, roll a joint or find a condom.
9. When it comes to sex: silence does not equal tacit compliance. It usually just means said victim is asleep.
10. Bins are for rubbish. Not vomit.
11. Nobody wants to hear you have loud animal sex with the babe from reception. Muffled moans of pleasure incite jealously just as effectively as barbaric ape shrieking.
12. Never steal alcohol out of the fridge with the excuse that ‘they must have left it there for sharing’. NOBODY is that generous whilst travelling. At least be more creative in your pilfering.
13. A shared room is no place to snooze your alarm clock. You’re on holidays… where the fuck are you going? To MASS?! Yes, I understand that Alhambra is one of the 7 wonders of the world but either get up and GO, quickly. Or turn if OFF and stay asleep. Simple.
14. Bunks beds are not the perfect place to try out sexual trapeze, contortionism or exhibitionism. Nobody cares how freaky yo shit is. At least make some sort of towel cave.
15. Use the toilet! No matter how funny it may seem at the time pissing/shitting/vomiting on a chair in the communal area of a hostel room won’t make you any friends. Ignore this tip and you’ll probably be called McShit for the rest of your stay.
16. Its common knowledge that if you shower for longer than 45 minutes you are either masturbating or having sex.
17. Steal things from others and travel karma will fuck you up.