Five things plus-size designers get wrong
What’s it take to get a decent frock on a fat chick? Somethingyousaid.com writer and ample babe Marta Jary tells plus-size designers what they’re STILL doing wrong… every single time.
A decade ago when I was much more susceptible to crumbling into self-loathing tears on the floor of a Myer change room surrounded by navy-blue chiffon frocks with deep V-necks best donned at 60th birthday parties aboard the P&O Fairstar, I utterly struggled to find clothes I could wear to uni and not feel like killing myself.
Before ASOS, City Chic and Beth Ditto for Top Shop, the closest a fat girl came to “fashion” was waiting for Hot Topic tartan skirts to trickle onto eBay after they’d been “outgrown” by a fellow fattie who’s BMI had just hit the next percentile. In short, it was a wasteland.
Now, I can occasionally piece together something awesome, though it still takes a decent effort and an even more decent spend.
However a few things resolutely haven’t changed since those days when my best “evening wear” options fell into three main categories: animal print, elasticised pants and maroon.
It amazes me that with over half the country bloated of belly and desperate to look trendy, designers are still making the same old mistakes they did before fat people took over the world. Get your shit together! We want to give you our money!
And with the betterment of the “fat dollar” economy in mind, here are my top five “fatshion” peccadillos.
1. Too-wide necklines
You know what every fat girl loves? Flashing her bra because her top slips off her shoulders. Every. Two. Minutes. What is it with the super-wide, super-low necklines on fattie fashion? They make it impossible not to flash your tits without Hollywood Tape. And sticky-taping your collar onto your bra-straps is profoundly depressing.
2. Sleeveless dresses
Seriously guys WHY all the sleeveless frocks? Take a freakin’ look at how your customers are wearing these – with cardigans over them. In summer! Buying a sleeveless dress inevitably means going through the sweaty agony of finding a cover-up to match. GIVE US SOME GODAMN SLEEVES! Which leads me to…
3. Chiffon sleeves
What’s hotter than a pair of pasty tuck-shop arms flapping in the wind? Oh yeah, wrapping them in organza. That shit looks like marzipan in cellophane. If you can make the rest of the dress opaque, why the see-through sleeves? Do you think we kid ourselves into believing we’re safe behind the chiffon curtain? We’re not. And it’s just cruel.
4. Too-short hems
The average skinny chick with decent legs feels pretty freakin’ self-conscious in a too-short dress and will stumble along pulling it down constantly. Add to that equation some powerful thunder thighs and explain again why you’d make a size-20 skirt that cuts mid across a dimpled leg? Thanks for forcing us into pantyhose.
This is a fabric that should be extinct on this planet regardless of size. But on a fat chick, it clings to curves with all the appeal of a funeral shroud – not to mention wears down incredibly fast, pills and snags. And nothing is more sexually appealing than cheap track-pant fabric stretched thin and thread-bare across every minuscule bump on your topographic buttocks. BURN IT ALL.
Words by Marta Jary