Happy New Year from Something You Said

Colourful 2014 in fiery sparklers

Happy two-thousand-and-motherflipping-fourteen! How was your hangover? Pretty gnarly? Did it feel like a small animal had burrowed into your head and was trying to scratch its way out through your eyeballs? Those early morning tequilas probably weren’t such a good idea. Anyhoo, to start the year, we thought we’d get our contributors to look into their crystal balls and tell us their predictions for 2014. Here goes:

Chart music will continue to torture us, nations will continue whichever political rampages they’re leading in the quest for universal domination, we will continue to ignore environmental catastrophe, someone in Silicone Valley or nearabouts will develop a phone app so freakishly advanced and intuitive it will change the face of technology as we know it, the sun will continue to shine in Oz, the rain will continue to fall in England, a million people every minute will continue buying Coca Cola and somewhere in a garage in like Hull or Pittsburgh, your favourite new band are developing their sound. The world is fucking crazy and cool. Golden Lady

I just watched Donnie Darko for the first time and I’m kind of concerned with the fourth dimension. So there’s that. Elaina Ransford

Holograms. Carol Bowditch

Beyonce for president! Oh and Warpaint finally release their 2nd album which kicks arse. Harriet Cheney

Conservative Party to grow fat and turgid on our misery. Future soul and RnB to remind us there is hope. Pope to actually smoke dope. Tom Spooner

remiI generally detest Aussie hip hop. But there’s a kid from Melbourne floating about at the moment who’s actually semi decent. Remi is his name (pictured, left), and he has also recently caught the eye of Triple J, winning the J award for Unearthed artist of the year. I think I like his style because he doesn’t exactly sound very Australian. The articulation in his rhymes isn’t sprinkled with the stinky essence of bogan which I find the major Australian hip hop to smell of. He is fluid, and above all, he is a groover. So I think fun loving people with a taste for light-hearted, feel good beats are going to really sit up and pay attention to his music. Liana Gow-Killingbeck

I will actually get my act together. Kaya Strehler

That Woody Allen will make another movie, and that I will turn twenty four, and that there will be a natural disaster due to Mother Nature not being particularly happy with us at the moment. But on the flip side… Apple will release a device which is not quite an iPad but not quite an iPhone. It will be called an iBanana and in addition to being able to call your friends by clapping your hands three times it will also cook your favourite breakfast packed with all essential vitamins and minerals. Sophie Metcalfe

I’d like to see the formation of a Big Kev tribute band. All songs about Kev, all natural, all Australian. I’m Excited. Jack Colwell

Hopefully we’ll see much less of the scantily (if at all) clad Miley Cyrus and jeggings. If Germans are anything to go by, crocheting will be the craft of choice, far surpassing knitting in terms of popularity regardless of social boundaries, and personally, I am hoping to overcome my fear, bite the bullet and start driving a manual car on the wrong side of the road. Isidore Tillers

That NIN/QOTSA will be the best gig of the year. Adam Davis-Powell

Going to be better than any year yet.More being single. Fuck monogamy. Tenley Nordstrom

Another really hot English Summer, but this time it will start in May and end in October. There will be a charming but non catastrophic amount of snow from November through to February (I hope). Alice Parsons

The World Cup in Brazil will be the greatest show on earth ending with an Argentinian victory. Gary Page

(Editor) Bobby will be crowned Emperor of Eastbourne and Something You Said will eclipse the Daily Mail Online in readership. Sonia Clarke

wwWWIII… that’s Wayne’s World 3. Colin Delaney

I found this great quote today: “2013 was my character development year which means 2014 is strictly action and story progression and I don’t know about you but I’m excited” Tammy Potakh

Miley will have Justin Bieber’s baby. Kate Holcombe

Tony Abbott will continue to ruin Australia. England will not win the World Cup. Caitlin Park’s new album will blow your fuckin tits off. Bobby Townsend

Hopefully Iggy Azalea will take over the world. One weave at a time. Sara Potter

War with Iran, death, glaciers melting, crazy weather storms and destruction. Fashion. Someone kills Miley Cyrus for the children of America’s future wellbeing. And better Health care in America! Hopefully more compassion and love in the world. More people doing little things that make a big difference. Walmart stop using plastic bags.. that’ll be the day! Madeline Kragh

I will probably not lose weight. Joe Haddow

And finally, this from Oliver Heath…. After making grandma cry at Christmas by telling her how cruel to animals the roast she made is, mid-hangover rant you stop short of telling her she’s a fossil when you realise your glass is empty. You make another Bloody Maria, joke about the tomato and celery being christmas colours, then mumble something about El Niño being Mexican for Christmas Jesus. In the silence that follows you briefly consider that part of why she’s crying is because your drunken belligerence reminds her of grandpa. The silence is broken by your flatulence, caused by the vegan tofurkey, beans and seitan that your body is unaccustomed to digesting.

i-luv-uDays later, high on drugs you bought with grandma’s christmas money you send her a text “luv u” which is immediately followed by panic: what if she died? Who would luv u?

You listen to your Brooke Candy, A$AP Rocky playlist to hype your confidence, but it seems trite. You smoke a natchy joint to calm down and consider ‘grammin a #420 selfie but stop when it suddenly seems passé. In need for something more spiritual you dabble with LSD. You’re not alone, the EDM scene grows as people on sprit quests favour music devoid of verbalised ideas. Kickstarters to have activist vacations become mainstream. Mediation will become increasingly popular because it’s often free and the Sport Luxe fash that you wore while skinny from drugs coming down at the coffee shop is great for chic meditation, so it seemed destined.

Mediation will lead to 2014’s revelations. What are they? I can’t tell you for certain as my retreat is booked for Jan, but it is likely that the first realisation from all the meditation is that you need to get a job and earn lots of money so you don’t have to have to hang out meditating with these hippies when you just want a holiday. But you’ll like the meditation and keep doing it. You have a feeling it’ll lead to something.

2013 just had the mix tape a bit wrong, the party started good it just went on too long… rewind, you should have stuck to the 2012 one: Grimes, Deathgrips, The Autotune News and cats instead of bad bitches. Seriously what was with all that bitch stuff anyway? Grimes had it right about Veganism, it’s good but don’t become a jerk. Give old peeps flowers not tears. It’s not totes your fault tho, of course you went a bit wrong in a year where everyone was stoned, talking about Miley and dancing to that rapey Blurred Lines song. What happened to feminism? What even happened to Pussy Riot? Doesn’t anyone care? Should we print “Stop Terry Richardson” t-shirts and take photos standing outside police stations wearing them in protest? He’s probably better ignored, and I really like that misogynist French Vogue calendar he did and don’t want to throw it out… It’ll be a collectors item when he’s in prison. Oliver Heath


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