How to behave on a plane


My husband travels for a living. Tour Manager by trade, he’s an all-knowing, all-seeing, human compass. His partner-in-crime travels as much, as far, and for the same worthy rock cause. They’re the Batman and Robin of the touring world. Remember George Clooney in Up in the Air? That comes somewhat close to resembling their flying status. Having taken approximately 100 flights between them last year alone, well, you get some idea of their onboard experience. And naturally, with this, comes great travel wisdom. Just like Clooney, they’re down with the savviest and niftiest methods for queuing up, checking in and taking off.

There’s one thing however, which is completely and utterly out of their human control.

Other fucking flyers.

All kinds of inexperienced and profoundly irritating citizens of the world. And nothing, I repeat NOTHING irritates these people more than inconsiderate travellers. I’m regularly bombarded with pre-flight text messages, seeping with quiet fury. Just recently on board from Sydney to London I received the following text.

“I am watching an asshole meticulously fold and hang his pants and shirt on a hanger. I have never seen anyone pay as much attention to the crease in his pants and insuring that there are NO others creases. Fuckin weirdo.”

And there’s more….

“He is now wearing pyjamas. Just saying. He is a grown man on a daytime flight.”

Anyway, for their own sanity and safety of other flyers, they thought to compile an official list of Dont’s. A behavioural bible for flying.

Please keep these in mind when next on board and if you do happen to spot a couple of bearded fellow passengers, decked out in appropriately black attire staring through you, well, you’ll revert back to this list and immediately correct whatever holy flying sin you’ve committed.

Bon fucking voyage!

1. Do not use the seat in front of you to pull yourself up.

2. Flights under an hour you can converse. Otherwise, save the long conversations for touchdown.

3. Do not stand next to my seat and do your inflight exercises.

4. Have your shit ready to put in the overhead compartment before you get on the plane. I don’t want to wait for you to find your crap.

5. If you bring a cheeseburger on the plane you are an asshole. Just like booze, do not bring outside food onto the plane. Only eat whatever crap they feed you in flight.

6. When walking down the aisle do not put your hand on every single seat to balance yourself. The turbulence is not that bad.

7. Control your kid. If they’re old enough to understand “don’t kick the seat in front of you” do something about it.

8. People with small bladders should have an aisle. If you pick a window seat you should only be allowed to get up one time during a flight.

9. After you finish your meal you have to wait for it to be cleared before you get up.

10. No conversing in the galley.

11. If you wear any kind of matching tracksuit ie. Juicy Couture and carry a pillow, FUCK off.

12. When exiting the plane do not stop to ask your friend “how was your flight?” They either slept or watched a movie. Keep walking.

13. Do not move someone’s bag in the overhead bin. It was there first.

14. Do not fucking clap when the plane lands. That’s what it is suppose to do.

Got some more to add to the list? Disagree with any of the above? Tell us in the comments section below…

golden lady


How to behave on a plane, by Golden Lady