Valentine’s Bedroom Musical Mishaps

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Tom Spooner helps us avoid embarrassment this Valentine’s Day by advising us on definite musical no-no’s in the bedroom:

When it comes to setting the mood for a night of romantic nudge-nudge wink-winking and general bedroom canoodling, music can play a vital role, Get it right and you’ll be singing in perfect harmony. Get it wrong and you’re Milli Vanilli. Here are 10 musical mishaps to avoid in the bedroom this Valentine’s Day:

1. No vinyl. It may look cool and sound lovely but just try getting your moves on to the eternity of formless crackles and pops that lurk at the end of every Side A ever.

2. No R Kelly. No Sex Planet. No Bangin’ the Headboard. No means no.

3. No scratched CDs. Don’t be an idiot, check for scratches. A skipping CD is like skipping foreplay.

4. No cassettes. It may be hip but having to wind 37 metres of no-wave slow jams back into a tape with a HB pencil mid-coitus is a sure fire mood killer.

5. No d&b, no grindcore, no screamo, no dubstep, no death metal, no musique concrete, no industrial, no speed metal. No happy (ahem) hardcore, no BPMs over 200, full stop.

6. No iPod shuffle. Going from Barry White to Black Skinhead, or Sampha to gabba in a second will see your lover shuffling off to watch the curling highlights.

7. No gangster rap. Bitches and hoes is a no-no.

8. No live CDs. Spontaneous uproarious applause during sex may be your ultimate dream but when its from an audience of thousands in 1970s Hamburg, it’s not quite the same.

9. No indie. Nobody gets down to skinny boys who smell of Lynx and rejection, hand-clapping into an eight-track in a bedsit.

10. No to songs with sex noises. That means no Connan Mockasin. No Madonna. And definitely no bloody J’Taime.

tom spooner


Words by Tom Spooner.