#kalelife: Signs you’re turning into a fuckwit


If knowledge is power, communication inspires interactivity and with affluence comes choice, then living in the privileged, overly commodified and cluttered world that we do is leading us all down the same path of fuckwittage. If you can relate to three or more of these points then chances are you are quickly evolving into a fully-fledged fuckwit and deserve a swift jab to the face, says Jess Matthews:

You won’t go anywhere unless its ‘secret’, at least vaguely elusive or mildly difficult to find, ie: secret bars, hidden location warehouse gigs or mythical garden parties.

You actually say the word hashtag, in sentences, OUT LOUD.

You’re in a filthy mood all day because your local coffee shop has run out of almond milk for your piccolo latte. You are forced to resort to rice milk.

You regularly have to floss in public because you keep getting remnants of your kale breakfast smoothie stuck in your teeth.

Your Nike Free Runs match at least one other item of clothing in your gym outfit.

You know that the endless benefits and uses of coconut oil far outweigh the fact that it actually tastes like cum.

turning into a fuckwit - food photoYou photograph every meal you eat so you can send it to your personal trainer, nutritionist and naturopath.

You just purchased a necklace online for your dog/baby.

You think that drinking out of jars at bars is hipster without understanding the irony of the action.

You forget to take a g-string with you to the gym and choose to risk getting thrush by not wearing underwear over having to do your workout with a VPL (visible panty line). The male equivalent is training shirtless for the purely aesthetic fact that it enables you to watch your own skin sweat. #vanity.

You choose to buy organic vegetables even though they are like the small grubby runt version of normal vegetables and double the price. You walk home with your grubby groceries perfectly encased in their equally organic net shopping bag.

You can’t decide whether to use a polaroid camera, your SLR or iPhone to capture all of your important life moments so you just Instagram a photo of your polaroid snap.

Most of your meals are predominantly made up of powder.

You cant go out to dinner because you’re on a juice detox.

Your pantry is full of seeds and nuts that you can’t pronounce the name of.

You will happily spend $300 on an item of clothing that looks like it has been worn by a homeless person for four years.

jess matthews


Words by Jess Matthews.