Reasons Facebook makes us Cray Cray
Laura Ghafoor explains the reasons that Facebook drives us abso-bloody-lutely mental:
It makes us say things like “cray cray.” This is Not Acceptable, but apparently okay in the social media arena.
It makes you stalk. People you love or hate are particular targets but I also like to creep on people who are particularly stupid and/or self centred (they’re funnier to troll). And what about typing their name into your status instead of the search bar? Cringe. Another pat on the back to anyone who’s been checking a friend of a friend’s profile and has mistakenly clicked “add friend”.
You analyse absolutely everything. “Is that aimed at me?” (If you think that then probably, yes). If you add someone too quickly they’re going to think you’re too keen, leave it too long and it’s also weird. THERE SHOULD BE A HANDBOOK FOR THIS SORT OF THING.
Facebook official. Striking the fear of God into new couples since 2007. Are they? Aren’t they? If one of them doesn’t want to make it so, there’s obviously some kind of ulterior motive or secret wife somewhere.
Living in constant fear that your colleagues can see too much of your profile. They might get to see what you’re like without your work filter. And you might get sacked.
Parents share things. My Dad shared a “lesbians eat what?!” meme. That got more likes than it should have. Wonderful, cringey likes.
Sometimes you get a warning from an aggrieved family member and you realised that that last post was one too far. And it’s too late to delete it now.
Mental abbreviations that no one understands. Yep; IMO is in my opinion. We know LOL. But what is BAE? Oh, “before anyone else”. And what does that mean, exactly?!
You sometimes think “that’ll get a lot of likes”. You feel a great sense of achievement when it does, and robbed when it doesn’t. And there’s “usual suspects” who like everything you do. Those people only count as half a like, IMO.
Defriending. The ultimate indication that you’re really, really pissed off. And – please – don’t be all, “I don’t know why we aren’t friends now,” when you request me now I’m flavour of the month again.
Constant track-covering when you’ve pulled a sickie. There can be NO TRACE of you doing anything fun this weekend. Especially if it’s not within a three-mile radius of your house and especially, especially if you previously requested and were denied Monday off.
Never knowing the etiquette of a break-up. Do you delete all sign of them from your profile and look like you haven’t existed for that period of time? Leave the pictures on but hope that no one clicks left in your profile pictures for the rest of time? Act like the bigger person and leave your ex-significant-other on your friends list, with the constant risk that they will either delete you first or put a snap of them and their new boo up which will ruin your day/week (unless they’re a 4 and your more like an 8 or they were a 4 and your new boo’s an 8 then you just think “bless ’em”).
You worry that your school was not providing up-to-scratch education because no-one in your class can use their/there/they’re or distinguish between where/were.
You write a passive aggressive status and instantly feel terrible that it snipes at some people you actually don’t mind (as well as the one fuckwit who you really do).
You live in constant fear that you’re funnier in Facebook than in real life. I do and I am.
Words by Laura Ghafoor.