How to be a creep and get away with it

Following the epically amazing news that TLC have announced their first ever Australian tour, Liana Gow-Killingbeck offers five tips on how to be a creep and get away with it:

1. Wearing dark, tinted sunglasses all day erryday isn’t just for celebrity dickhead types like CeeLo Green and Anna Wintour. Uh, uh. They’re ideal for the everyday creeper and are excellent at concealing those wandering eyeballs of yours. The darker the frame the better, as these will allow for maximum perving opportunities. Reflector sunglasses are a great alternative if your perve victim is of the conceited type. This way they’ll be too distracted by their own reflection to notice that you’re drooling.

2. Up in da club and all that tequila has made you slide up to an uber-babe and give ’em a nonchalant butt squeeze? Brush it off by co-ordinating your hands and arms together as you circumnavigate the D-floor. Think spirit fingers, spaghetti arms, and “The Claw”. This way you can blame your ridiculous dance moves for your “accidental” ass graze.

3. Channel your inner James Franco and DM a teenager on Instagram. There ain’t nothing creepier than picking up on Insty. But if James Franco can shamelessly do it, then so can you my friend.

4. Think you’re parents are super vexing when they can’t work their iPhone or SLR? Nup. They’re switched on. Most of the time they’re just playing dumb so you’ll end up doing it for them. Take a page from their book. Pretending to be technologically challenged has its definite advantages. If someone notices you getting snap-happy in their direction, chances are they’re going to be supremely weirded out. So just whip out that confusion face and act like you have no idea how the fuck to use your camera. Then they’ll just think you’re a noob, not a creep.

5. Grow that hair out. Go on, let it flow! I know you’re probably concerned with being mistaken for an unwashed hipster, but think of the positives! You can hide your face behind those long, luscious locks and, you know, peer at stuff. It’s the modern day creepo’s hairstyle of choice. In addition, it’s hella convenient at allowing you to avoid direct eye contact with people in a matter of seconds… all it takes is a quick flick of the head. Genius.

liana

 

Words by Liana Gow-Killingbeck.