Ten Things to do on Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day lurking ominously around the corner, Jess Matthews suggests activities to entertain/amuse yourself:

On the 14th of February the world is divided in two. Half of us become hazily consumed by lust and romance and the other half of us basically just want to slash our wrists.

I think everyone is missing the point. Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to lavish yourself with champagne, chocolate, erotic massages and grandiose floral arrangements. Failing that, getting drunk and being generally obnoxious also works fine.

Here’s a list of fun activities to help make Valentines Day your bitch this year!

1. Text all of your exes and tell them that you have Syphilis. Better yet, write a Facebook status and tag them all.

2. Make a reservation at a shmoozy restaurant for you and best friend (of the same sex) and pretend to be a gay for your entire dinner.

3. Play EX Cluedo. Replace characters with significant exes’ names and enjoy imagining them getting brutally murdered with various weapons (you can also change them too… lead pipe becomes Butchers Hook? I THINK SO!) I also I highly recommend adding a drinking component to the game ie: Roll 2 sixes, TEQUILA!

4. Scroll through your phone book and send a suggestive text message to everyone you have ever kissed or slept with. Yes I mean attempt to Booty Call. YES EVERY SINGLE ONE.

5. Go out with your friends, get drunk and belligerent and throw coasters at people making out.

6. Send a massive bunch of flowers to your ex’s new partner with a card attached thanking them for the amazingly wild, intoxicatingly gorgeous night. Obviously sign it with a pseudonym.

7. Have an EX party. Everybody invited must bring an ex girlfriend/boyfriend and a bottle of booze. Get drunk and watch that shit unravel.

8. Ask your favourite Tinder match out on a date. When you’re on the date slip the waiter/waitress your phone number. Of course implement subtlety but make sure your date still notices.

9. Casually drop ‘I Love You’ into normal conversations all day. EG: “Can I please have a strong soy Latte, a skinny cap and I love you”. “Opps you dropped your towel, I love you”. Smile while you watch the recipient squirm awkwardly.

10. Have obscenely passionate make-out sessions in public places. Like your local supermarket.

Ten Things to do on Valentine’s Day was written by Jess Matthews. If you like this, then be sure to follow us on Facebook.