How to go to a festival and not be a fuckwit


Going to a festival is HARD WORK. There’s set times to balance, mental weather conditions to endure, potent beverages to be consumed in dangerous quantities, police dogs to avoid, fake tan to be applied, a seemingly secret pocket of festival babes to perve on, belongings to hold onto and the latest fashion to embrace, ridicule or avoid. With Future Music festival just around the corner, boasting the likes of Drake, Avicii, The Prodigy, Afrojack, Knife Party, Nero, Example and Die Antwoord, we thought we’d give you some tips on how to actively minimise festival fuckwittage…

1. For fuck’s sake. Wear shoes. There’s a difference between hobo chic and contracting Hepatitis.

2. We are all very aware that toilet lines suck and that portaloos don’t smell like roses. Less bitching, more pissing.

3. Go easy on the fake tan. Or. Risk looking like you’ve been rolling around in a bag of Doritos for a few days. Oh. And FYI. Fake tan runs with water.

4. WEAR SUNSCREEN! Chesty Bonds lobster tans are never en vogue.

5. YES I AM DRESSED LIKE A CAT. OK? Festivals are fun. Stop flicking through Instagram filters and Carpe-fucking-Diem!

festival 36. Dress BEFORE you start skulling vodka at your pre-drinks party. And make sure that you are appropriately covered, nobody wants to see your nipples, ass cheeks or other miscellaneous bits of skin.

7. Even if you are a non smoker but enjoy a casual cigarette when you are off your guts, BUY A PACKET. Offering someone $1 for a ciggy doesn’t quite cut it anymore champ.

8. No you cannot wear my hat/beanie/sunglasses. No, NOT EVEN for 10 seconds.

9. Get off your phone. Nobody can hear shit.

10. No matter how life-altering a set may be, it’s never ok to piss on someone’s foot in the moshpit. NEVER.

11. Let’s be honest, does anyone EVER watch their shitty, blurred videos from gigs? I’m pretty sure you’re not about to make documentary golden globe history with your ‘candid’ iPhone footage.

12. Just because we are being forcibly squashed into the same 10cm of space it is not an open invitation to rub your cock on my back.

13. NO, We don’t need to discuss where you put your pingers.

14. If you remove your shirt, prepare to be eye raped. Obscenely. Gratuitous nudity deserves gratuitous sexual harassment.

15. I would rather lend a bear my pouch of tobacco than let you attempt to roll a cigarette with your crusty munter hands.

16. The amount of time you spend getting ready for a festival is inversely proportionate to how much you are actually going to see live music. It really doesn’t matter what you wear; you will end up sweaty, grubby, hot and dishevelled so you may as well not fuck about with the finer aesthetic details.

17. Know your shit, or shut up. Miike Snow is a group of three producers from Sweden, TEED is just one ludicrously dressed bloke, Richie Hawtin is not a NEW DJ, Flume is not the third member of Hermitude.

18. If you graduated from kindergarten you should effectively know how to ‘line up’. Now’s the time to use them skills!

19. Peacocks belong in zoos or bird sanctuaries, last time I checked we were in neither.

20. Hey Jaws, find yourself some chewing gum before your trap swings off its hinges.

21. I know that faaaaaasrhan is overwhelming and that tie-dye, flat brim hats, fluoro, crochet, florals, acid wash denim and overalls are all equally enticing but for fucks sake chose ONE fad to commit to. Don’t risk looking like a mood board on acid.

You can head to Future Music Festival at the following venues…
Sat 28 Feb Royal Randwick Racecourse, Sydney (18+)
Sun 1 Mar HBF Arena, Joondalup (Perth) (18+)
Sat 7 Mar Brisbane Showgrounds, Brisbane (18+)
Sun 8 Mar Flemington Racecourse, Melbourne (18+)
Mon 9 Mar Adelaide Showground, Adelaide (15+)

For tickets and info, head to or



Words by Jess Matthews. Jess doesn’t like idiots. Read her tips on how to buy a drink without being a fuckwit here.