How to pick up a Chick, by Jess Matthews

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Hey fellas,’s Jess Matthews has got some invaluable advice…

Some days I truly believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Other days I truly believe that’s a crock of shit. I suspect it was just a concept made up so that we would all continue to hilariously make twats of ourselves during communication and have an excuse. I’m not Neil Strauss, nor am I Germaine Greer. I cannot give you an elaborate gameplan of how to prey on the opposite sex AND I probably can’t guarantee that you’ll get laid. However, first impressions last, so here’s some tips to help you not end up with a drink in your face in the first five minutes of talking to a woman.

1. Do not leer, stare, drool or loiter.

2. Never refer to your dick in third person, or second person. In fact probably best not to mention your dick at all.

3. Never ask a girl if her hair, nails, boobs or any part of her body are fake.

4. Delete the following from your vocab; LOL, YOLO, BRUZ, BRAH, BABEZZZ, ROOT, PUSSY, FML.

5. If a girl tells you that she is gay. She probably isn’t. It just means that she wants you to fuck off.

6. Best not to elaborate on your amazing Call of Duty skills. Nobody cares. In fact I’m pretty sure that you don’t even care.

7. Never try to gently persuade a girl into a threesome with her hot best friend/cousin/sister/the bar tender. You’re not being subtle, you sneaky cunt.

8. It’s polite to ask a woman questions about herself but DO refrain from launching into a police-style interrogation.

9. Don’t mention your inclination towards strippers or how many birds you shagged last year on your Contiki trip.

10. Drinks are a polite gesture but forcing a woman to chug beer or down tequila shots will only end in one way. With vomit on your pants.

11. Maybe you missed the memo. MY EYES ARE UP HERE!

12. If a girl calls you mate, pal, homie or princess you’ve just been Friend Zoned.

13. Never insult a woman’s dress sense, even if its intended to be a joke. Nobody wants to talk to a guy who asks them why they are wearing clown pants/hippy shit/their brother’s basketball singlet/a school uniform, etc.

14. Do not mention the words: cheap, broke, expensive, pricey.

15. Don’t try to snatch a sneaky kiss when we look away. It’s weird and uncomfortable.

16. Waitresses, hostesses and bar tenders are the most difficult targets for pick up attempts. Ever. They are working, and see you as merely an obstacle they have to negotiate before their finish time. They also have multiple guys trying ridiculous pick up lines on them frequently so they sure as shit don’t want to hear yours.

17. Observation (notice I didn’t say staring) is key. Try to notice if the apple of your eye wearing an engagement ring, has a boyfriend or is on a hen’s night… if so, quit while you’re ahead.

18. Nothing good happens after 1am. Yes, you are that transparent.



Words by Jess Matthews. For more stuff like this, follow Somethingyousaid on Facebook.