Fifty Shades of Dave, by Oliver Heath

50 shades of dave 1

I’d decided to write an article about the growing prevalence of bondage. Fifty Shades of Grey was so mainstream it might as well have been Fifty Shades of Beige. I noticed an advertisement online for a rope bondage school and, as fate would have it, my plan to e-mail the rope dojo was interrupted by running into a photographer friend I hadn’t seen for a couple of years. I met him in the degenerate end of Sydney’s art scene and knew he was into bondage after noticing his bondage rope when dropping off a model girlfriend to one of his shoots. I had insisted on staying to make sure it was legit, and we had become friends. I asked him if he’d heard of the dojo and he replied “sure mate, it’s my school, come by anytime”.

The article became a Q&A that was posted on this site and I decided to make a documentary. I’ve been shopping around some rough cuts of the first stage to get broadcaster interest and one of them said no, but then approached Dave to shoot something with them themselves. Jerks. Since those motherlickers are giving you something, I figured I might as well beat them to the punch and cut something short for you now, a kinda WIP prelude to the film. Let me introduce Dave, aka Hebari the Shebari Teacher.

Look, maybe it’s a coincidence, but it’s still at the very least the universe saying fuck you Olly. Well hey universe, right back at you buddy. I don’t need your stinking broadcasters, I got the internet. Anyway, those jerks are all stuck wondering how they can get content that the Youtube generation will like. bahahahah. The Youtube generation doesn’t like TV, duh, that’s why they’re called the Youtube generation. You’d have to be a baby boomer to call them that anyway, we is just peeps checking out stuff in the easiest way. I love you internet, I loved you even before it was cool/normal back in the days when I had a 14.4k dialup and peeps that liked Pearl Jam better than Nirvana teased me for being a modem geek. And other modem geeks teased me for hanging on the chat boards that they said were full of druggies, and goths and fags and weirdos. I was like nuhhhh, they just peeps that like good music like NIN and Snog. But it turns out that they were all weirdos, and I still love hanging out with weirdos, and I was a geek.

I am Olly – King of the Geeks. So today dear internet, today I’m giving you a bit of the strange back. Behold! My man Hebari the rope bondage teacher!

oliver heath


Fifty Shades of Dave – words and video by Oliver Heath.