Lifestyle: A Hipster’s Guide To Life
Upon moving into his new Eastern Suburb unit, somethingyousaid.com’s Matt Lengren found what appeared to be a user manual in the main living area. The following is an excerpt from Chapter Two of the untitled tome that he will refer to as…
“A Hipster’s Guide To Life”
Diet (2% tolerance permitted on all items)
55% Kale (or other superfood in leaf-form); 28% almond milk (consumed exclusively from retired condiment jars); 10% activated nuts; 7% cold-brew coffee (it goes without saying anything not organically and/or sustainably-sourced is forbidden).
Personal transport
Fixies encouraged, but not entirely compulsory.
– If fixie is chosen mode of transport: helmets, visibility-improving clothing, and road etiquette are strictly forbidden; panniers, open-neck Hawaiian shirt – or similar – and anything but cycling shoes are compulsory.
– If scooter/Vespa is chosen mode of transport: the less road-appropriate clothing worn, the better.
Clothing (minimum requirements)
Aforementioned Hawaiian apparel compulsory only in situations not requiring a fastened top button*; chinos (or other skin-tight pants) never reaching below ankle bone; floppy wide-brimmed hat (purchased from op shop (where possible)); sandals, brogues, lattice-patterned slides/closed-ins or RM Williams leather boots (no younger than 10 years in age – and only ever worn in tandem with shorts). Socks worn at your discretion, but preferably worn in reverse to the social norm i.e. RMs without socks etc..
*Situations not requiring fastened top button: going to the independent grocer and/or farmer’s markets. Situations requiring fastened top button: literally every other situation in your life.
Social Media presence (minimum requirements)
– A seldom-altered Facebook account used primarily for instant messaging/anything other than a status update;
– A somewhat vocal Twitter account featuring ironic observations/comments directed toward or referencing highly-obscure literature/music/media/art; and
– An Instagram account updated no less than four times a day (or total updates per week equivalent to four per day).
Personal grooming (if male)
Hair
Side length: 2mm maximum
Back length: 4mm maximum
Top length: 6mm-∞mm (longer than 8mm is expected, but not enforced)
Facial Hair
No restrictions, however, if unable to grow facial hair longer than one inch, don’t bother.
The above is not an exhaustive list of the compulsory lifestyle – more a push in the direction of avoiding passive-aggressive, ironic judgements from fellow eastern suburb non-conformists.
Words by Matt Lengren
