Things not to discuss on a first date

How would you rate your dating skills on a scale of brilliant/good/average/poor/fucking horrific? Yeah, us too. So here’s Jess Matthews to help, with a list of things you should never discuss on a first date, or when trying to flirt via SMS:

The weather. Everybody knows that if you’re talking about the weather it’s because you’re boring, bored or subtly trying to pull off a drug deal

Bodily functions. This is never okay, in ANY situation involving the opposite sex.

Your ex(es). It’s the past, leave it there. This is so blatantly obvious but time and time again people think they’re the exception to the rule and take the lid off the pot.

Abbreviations that are either incomprehensible to the average human or overly idiotic. OTT, IDK or ROFL. If I have to ask you ‘What does that mean?’ then you bet your ass I’m judging you.

Your sexual tally/prowess/preferences/experiences. Women look easy and men seem sleazy.

Anything negative or miniscule that doesn’t really matter to anybody else in the world. You stubbed your toe, pooed your pants or you are currently involved in a workplace mini drama. Who cares?

Anything that subtly (or not so subtly) suggests that you are in love with another person… and this is just a test-date. “This guy I know…”

Children.

That you’re tired. Take a ticket. Everyone is tired. And busy.

Doctors appointments. Past, present or future. Too much information.

Your burning hatred for the opposite sex.

Your whole life story. Freud has no place at the table on first dates.

How hot the waiter/waitress is.

Money. It’s always crass. I don’t care how big your private jet is. Or, if you’ve been living off noodles for eight weeks.

Anything sarcastic, cynical or critical about dietary habits . You never know where you’ll stumble across a Paleo.

Words by Jess Matthews. For more stuff like this, follow Somethingyousaid on Facebook.