Vilify: Is it a Potato Scallop, Potato Cake or Potato Fritter?
Mulubinba/Newcastle-based metalcore group Vilify have dropped their new single, Take The Pill. We asked them to tell us about… well… anything:
Pick anything, they said to me. WELL. Since I have no interesting views on any topic in particular and I’m not actually super woke about anything because I’m an old and fed-up Elder Emo, I’m going to take a not so long “deep dive” into a debate that has driven me crazy since living in multiple states.
Let me set the scene.
It’s 2012 and I’ve just moved to Melbourne because I’m just another Brissy musician that wants to make it in this world. It’s been a long day of unpacking my things and your girl starts getting a little peckish. I lived on Plenty Road in Preston in a cute little apartment, and I had literally everything next door. Aldi, Woolworths, Cute Thai Place, Pub and a Fish & Chip shop. I couldn’t be bothered cooking so I thought I’d just treat myself to an easy snack.
I order my potato scallops and a side of chippies and wait for my delicious, oily mess to be prepared. The woman behind the counter wraps it up in that unprinted newspaper and hands it over to me. My body is ready. I take a seat outside and open the goods. I start to dig around my chips and see the smallest little pellet sized potato.
“That’s fucking weird” I think to myself.
“They must use tater tots or something instead, that’s cute”.
Bite. Spit. Confusion.
What in the unholy shit is this? A fish nugget? This is not the scallop I asked for. I take my food back up to the woman behind the counter and politely tell her that I ordered a scallop, not whatever this is. I SHIT YOU NOT, a solid two minutes passed of utter confusion when I finally pointed at the potato scallop and she had the AUDACITY to say “oh, you mean a potato cake?”
Excuse me?
Is it a Potato Scallop, Potato Cake or Potato Fritter
Let’s break this down
State: New South Wales / Queensland
Call it: Potato Scallop
This is probably the only thing that these two states have ever agreed on. This one does make sense. The dictionary defines a scallop cut as a very thinly sliced bit of food. This is how these potatoes are cut. I mean, fair right – kind of makes sense.
State: Victoria
Call it: Potato Cake
This is absurd. This flat, battered potato disc in no way, shape or form resembles any form of party treat. Disgraceful – shut up Victoria, this one is just wrong, and I have no words to explain how dumb you sound.
State: South Australia
Call it: Potato Fritter
Firstly, adorable. Secondly – this is the one that makes the most amount of sense. We have banana fritters, pineapple fritters [insert other rank deep fried shit here] fritters. So why not a potato fritter? It just makes sense. It’s still wrong because I’m a Queenslander so it will always be a potato scallop, but I wouldn’t fight SA over it.
Majority of the states I’ve lived in [2/4] say Potato Scallop, so in my head it’s a no brainer that PS is our Winner. But if you really want to get into the nitty gritty with this; SA takes the pOtAtO cAkE here with Potato Fritter. Victoria, this is what you sound like >>>
One of the best moments in my music career was playing Good Things with my other band and asking each state what it was called. Hearing the roar of “Scallop! Scallop! Scallop” being chanted by hundreds of people was both hilarious and amazing. It’s nice knowing I’m right.
I don’t know how to end this, so I’ll leave you with this.
SCALLOP FOREVER, CAKE NEVER
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.
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