CHEZ: Insecurities and self-doubt
Boorloo/Perth-based pop artist CHEZ has shared this open and honest op-ed about her insecurities and self doubt:
I grew up in a single-parent home. My dad left when I was probably around four years old. After attempts to still continue a relationship with him, which now at the age of 27 baffles me how mature I was as a child to believe that was my responsibility, there came a point were trying just wasn’t enough and one day ended up being the last time I saw him. And ding ding ding, I think (who am I kidding… I know) that’s where my sensitivity and insecurities came in.
I was conditioned to believe everyone who walked in to my life would eventually walk out, and it was simply because, I wasn’t good enough to hold someone’s attention for a considerable amount of time. This story will get its moment soon, I promise, but now you have the backstory, let’s forward to how that shaped me in relationships.
In short: it didn’t get better.
I constantly found myself second-guessing myself in relationships. Was I pretty enough? Were they actually in love with me or was it all a joke? Constantly asking my boyfriends, do you like me? Why do you like me? Are you going to leave me? The cycle could not be broken. Some could say well, they obviously weren’t the right ones for you. And well yeah, you could be right about that…Have a listen to my recent single ‘so good’ for the tea on that tale.
But then what happens? I fall for someone who opens me up (emotionally, that is). Makes me feel safe enough to communicate. Adores me for every flaw and celebrates me more than anyone ever did. Couldn’t be more secure if I tried. *cue body insecurities*
From the start of our relationship to now, I’ve gained a lot of weight. Some say happy relationship weight gain, some say ‘you’re a woman, it’s natural’. Either way it’s a thing and it’s been hard. It’s been a battle, not fitting into clothes I used to love wearing, going up a couple sizes, covering myself in baggy tees and jumpers just to get out of the house. It doesn’t matter how beautiful or perfect he says I am… when you add that on top of years of trauma, trying to make relationships work with riddled self-esteem, the constant fear of everyone going to leave at some point so you eventually start pushing them away to make the cut a little less deep, the dreaded question to the love of my life still manages to weasel its way out of my lips.
WHY DO YOU LIKE ME?
I don’t like how I look. I don’t like how my mind works. I don’t like the way I speak or the things I say. I don’t think I’m funny. I don’t mirror the people on tv, so shiny and polished. So how could you think I do?
WHY?
WHAT did I do? Finally worked up the courage to put these emotions into a song… ‘honeY’.
The start of my solo music career has merely been hitting the surface. It’s taken me some time to finally peel back the layers out of fear of judgement. But the chance of just one person relating or by chance, interested in hearing my perspective, that’s a win. ‘honeY’ was written and produced with said love of my life, Reece, and brother-in-law, Caleb. Mumbling random phrases over a loop and all of sudden ‘you can call me honey but I think it’s kinda funny that you like me’ was birthed and the concept came to life. I love how lyrically it’s from such a deep and meaningful place but musically produced in such a fun, playful way and almost in a sarcastic and ridiculous way.
Kind of like how I feel when I ask Reece – hone(Y) do u like me again? for the thousandth time for the day.
Keep up to date with CHEZ on Insta.
